WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
