party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
