If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
