For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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