why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
