Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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