I just made out with a guy for $7.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
