found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
