she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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