booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
