Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
