We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
