oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
