When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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