i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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