Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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