why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Boobs speak an international language.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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