what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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