I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
