Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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