I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
