Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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