Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
