8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
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Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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