Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
