you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
