Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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