Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
