I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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