I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
