just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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