gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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