it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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