Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I will be naked everywhere
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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