there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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