i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
