dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
