you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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