Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
