The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
