i already hear my dad disowning me
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
