i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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