i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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