I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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