I accidentally had phone sex last night
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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