yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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