I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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