Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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