I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
