i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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