So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
