Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
