im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
