I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize