I just made out with a guy for $7.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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