There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
