She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
